Breaking out of "Prison''

'' When did you stop to dance, laugh, breath and love? As long as you keep that ''baby'' in there, you will remain 'haunted''. You will never know peace. That "baby" is screaming,  i need to get out. Stop keeping me inside of you. This place is too small for me, get me out and share me with the world'' My friend responded via Skype. 

There is one person you cant lie to - YOU! It has been long overdue, i have always known this day would come, the day i would have a 1:1 with Me, Myself and I. When i stared into the Mirror, the face that stared back looked familiar, it was mine alright but something was missing, that magical sparkle in my eyes. My eyes looked sad, worried and bored.  I rem my husband once telling me that the only time i get the sparkle is when i am with my son. And when he sleeps, it fades again. " How did i get here?''. When did i stop laughing? Dreaming? Dancing? When did i allow to be defined as the 'status quo''? When did i resign to fate? I am sick and tired of being sick and tired, the mundane, mediocrity, i feel like i am rotting in this prison, this RUT. I need to wake up, run away from this place, crawl out of here if i must. But i must get out of this  HELL Comfort Zone. I don't want to be normal, i need to get me back, i need to get the ABNORMAL Brenda back.

When i stumbled on the above quote, i broke down and cried like a little baby. I had the ''Aha moment''. So this was it? This defined the current, me. Over the months i have stopped living. I have been hibernating. I am not sharing my God given talents ''baby'' with the world. I hate this sick feeling of being normal. I'm restless, bored to death and the only pleasure i get out of life is spending time with my son. I am a phenomenal mother :)), i don't doubt or question that one bit, i loooooveeeee being a mother and my son gives me so much joy, Yes!! But its also true that i have stopped being a phenomenal daughter, wife, lover, friend, lawyer, fashion designer, model. A few months back i was dreaming of taking over the World. I didn't struggle to do the 'undoable', i didn't struggle to shine, I had massive dreams, i was rolling and i loved life which was like a movie packed with suspense, drama, romance, excitement... (naaah, my life was better than any movie i have ever watched :)). (if) was never in my vocabulary. I was unpredictable, full of life and energy. But not so anymore...this is like a distant memory :(. I'm drained, i feel tired, bored, i desperately want to get rid of this normalcy,mediocrity and madness in my life. In form persons and things. I have to clean up my closet and let go that which doesn't serve me anymore.

'' Look for what gives you strength and start from there. Rem: i am a believer, there are many believers who are waiting for you to ''wake up'' Bree. But you need to believe in yourself for you to do this.'' was my friends final piece of advice.

I stared deep into my son's big beautiful dark brown eyes this morning. That's where i'm drawing my  inspiration and strength from today. How do i want my son to know me? What do i want to teach my son? How do i want him to remember me one day when i am long gone and he is talking to his great grand children about me? Madiba (my son) trusts me 10000000000000%. When he needs something he knows mama will provide it. When he smiles he knows i will smile back. He knows i got his back and  all he needs to do is ask. Today i'm going back to those that who never got it wrong...(God, Mother Nature, The Universe)....I know they got my back, i smile at her and she will smile right back. Today i will Ask, Believe and Receive. 

On my mission of getting the reloaded Brenda back, I grab my pencils, sketch books and eraser. First things first. Complete unfinished assignments!! A few months back i wanted to design a new Afro contemporary dress for Michelle Obama and send it to her in the White House.My friend said that sounded crazy and asked how i was gonna get it to her.  Sounds crazy to you? Good!!! Later on, i will take a walk in my beautiful neighborhood and listen to the birds singing, enjoy the breeze, smile at the beautiful people, soak myself in a lavender bath, go to an Indian restaurant. I might just scream out loud in my village and exclaim ''what a beautiful world this is''. Yes....Crazy has always tasted better than normal in my world. I am crawling out of this shit hole, prison. From this RUT! SLOWLY BUT SURELY.... and JUST THE THOUGHT OF IT... and i start to feel alive ..................................................................................................

Memoirs of an Afro woman in Europe. 

Cheers'
Bree.