THE MIND OF AN ABUSED WOMAN

LIKE THE DUST, I ROSE!

Everything was moving in slow motion. I felt like a naked woman in a public market surrounded by blood thirsty hyenas and mad men. I tried to run but there was no where to hide. - ''She is a liar! A wannabe! Traitor! Arrest her!!'' they chanted in unison. This were people i had loved and trusted as friends and family. Persons i had trusted with my life, secrets but here i was, being mocked, humiliated, broken, weak and dejected. I received hate messages. Demeaning phone calls. '' You are finished! You are a disgrace and a disappointment! You are damned and will never speak or encourage people again.'' - Talk of hitting someone who is already down! 

If you are lucky beloved, you might hit rock bottom once in your lifetime. I have visited rock bottom a few times but nine months ago, i hit and came face to face with the Mother of all Rock Bottoms. On my way down i had to quickly make up my mind if i was going to hit the ground and crush or hit the ground, stand up, dust myself and start running, determined to win the race. I chose the latter....this was the darkest moment of my life, but little did i know, that out of my broken pieces i would find peace. Out of my greatest pain i would find my greatest joy!! My freedom. This is my story beloved :). 

For close to two years i lived a facade. I convinced the World that i was happy but i was a miserable soul.  I lived with five brothers by the name: Humiliation, loneliness, depression, low self esteem and pain that today i could draw their faces to perfection. I knew if i didn't get away soon enough i would end up in a morgue if not in a mental asylum. For my sake and that of my son i had to get out. I would rather be alone and happy than popular and unhappy.  I looked up to the Heavens and cried '' Lord, i am too weak. I'm all alone. If you take my hand, i will be brave enough to walk out of this hell hole and i will never look back''. I have never been so scared and so determined at the same time. 

11:45 pm, 5 November 2013 - JKIA, Nairobi - Kenya : Heart broken, deflated ego, broke, low self esteem were some of the baggage that i was carrying when i landed in Kenya. The only luggage i had with me was a small suitcase with my son's few belongings and on my left arm was my five month old son oblivious of what was happening around him. I weighed a little less than 40 kilograms. I was a shadow of my former self. My friend hardly recognize me at the airport. My family was not at the airport to meet me because they didn't know i was coming home. The following day they would learn of my arrival - and learn they did. I had been given a second chance to life, i kept reminding myself. I was determined i would make the best out of it and swore by the living God that - LIKE THE DUST, I WOULD RISE! 

The months of November and December 2013 were dark and long. I remember lying awake all night wondering what life had in store for me and my son. I didn't have money for diapers, formula milk or even clothes for my boy. I was living in my aunt's and later mother's home before i got back on my feet. Beloved, treasure your family with your all. They are the angels that God promised us. If it were not for my family i do not know where we would be now. My family lent me their wings and encouraged me to fly before my wings sprout back. My mother is my hero. I love her with my all. My aunts who are like my sisters, i will forever be grateful. My uncles who stood up for me and gave me all their support. Nephews, cousins and last but not least my true friends back home. When the ''World'' was busy 'digesting' and 'ingesting' the ''stories'', celebrating and talking in hushed and excited tones about my downfall, my family and true friends would later tell me: ''Welcome home, we are here for you. We don't need any explanation from you because we know you. We love you and your son. Don't you worry, you will be fine. Use our wings to fly, you are home now baby''. 

Most people told me how hard it would be to get a job in Kenya. Others told me to be ''realistic'' and to take the first job that came along, because that way i would afford a small room to live in and the job would at least pay for my bills. This was life's second chance and i wasn't going to take the small share. I wasn't going for the small price, i was going for the big price. After three months of tarmacking and interviews i got a job in a top tier law firm in Nairobi. One of the best paying firms in Africa. More blessings would flow. Heavens gates had opened. There was no stopping my angels, they were on fire. 

Nine months later, i have so much peace and joy in my heart. I am brand new. I have new brothers that i live with. Peace, joy, love, confidence and contentment.  Today i looked up to the heavens, winked at the Chairman of the Universe and said' ''God, i get you. You had to break me to make me whole''. I feel like the Biblical Job, beloved :). I have been blessed in ten folds. I have peace, seeing my son blossom into a happy little young man with so much love from everyone around us, he is my pride and joy. I have a great man at my corner who is by my side and who treats me like a queen, he saw me when i was nothing and had nothing. I live in a beautiful home in one of the leafy suburbs, after a few months of walking and using public means i have been blessed with a beautiful car, i can afford everything for my son, its hard to believe a few months ago i was worried if i could afford diapers. We are taking a luxurious vacation to one of the most beautiful islands in the World before the end of the year to celebrate our new life. I am reviving my cloth line and opening a Fashion House in Nairobi soon. I have great true friends, and my family continues to be amazing. My life is close to perfect...no its perfect! Nine months later.......I am free. I am living. My future is so bright it burns my eyes.  

I am shining, living my purpose. I have stopped caring what people think about me. They can say what they want. But i refuse to be bogged down by people who have too much baggage and would rather dump it on the weakest victim they find around. I will continue to inspire and use all my God given talents. If God is for me, i could care less of what haters say & do! I'm too busy shining. 

I don't know where you are in your life right now....but if you feel like you have hit rock bottom, your friends have turned foes, your finances are depressing, you are an emotional and spiritual wreck, you have no idea where to go from now..stand up, dust yourself and start the race...Sometimes what we have is so mediocre God has to undo it to make something new out of it. I'm a witness.....

Beloved, like the dust, you will rise! 

Special thanks to: 

My Mom, My aunts Carol, Wanjiku, Catherine, Mama D, Mama June, for all the physical, emotional, spiritial & financial support you gave me and my son.

My uncle: C.N & Baba You are my rock. 
Rene: the man who loved me when i was nothing and had nothing. Who loves my son like his own. You are sent from above. You are my strength! 

My friend Kami and Evelyn, for your love and support: You hang out with me when i was dead broke, cried with me. You gave me your clothes when i had none. 

Stella, Esther & Shiko ( All from NL) (Thanks for your love). Esther, for all the rides to take my son for Therapy in Netherlands when i was broke. For your financial and emotional support.
Elysie - for your love and encouragement!

FB friends who i have never met but were always there with encouraging words- Kirsty, Thankful Heart, Kay K. 

There are many more i haven't mentioned,you know yourselves. Thank you!!

Love,

Bree. xx